I have been in Erie, Pennsylvania, for three weeks now. I work at the Erie Art Museum, I live with the Benedictine Sisters of Erie, and on Saturday evenings I go on drives around Lake Erie. With all this Erie-ness comes a startling realization: could this place actually become the most important Erie in my life? Until recently, that spot had been solidly claimed by NBC's early-nineties tween phenomenon Eerie, Indiana. I admit I never imagined the series--a low-budget answer to "Goosebumps"--could have a competitor for my heart. Then I find myself signing my address as "Erie, PA," and it is clear what needs to happen: a Showdown.
I figure that if my life in Erie is actually eerier and superior to that in Eerie, I will accept the fate that has situated me here, and eventually find peace with my nostalgia. Can the Quaker State pull through to steal my affection? There's only one way to know. Love is a battlefield, people. This could get ugly.
ROUND ONE: The Locale
Eerie: "The center of weirdness for the entire planet." Neighborhood women sell haunted tupperware. Dead Elvis on the paper route. Locally-produced pencils can turn drawings into reality.
Erie: There is an old guy in sweatpants who hides behind our shed sometimes. He likes to play in the outdoor drinking fountain when he thinks no one is watching.
WINNER: So far, Behind-the-Shed Guy shows no signs of supernatural powers, let alone being the deceased king of rock'n'roll. Eerie wins this one.
ROUND TWO: Protagonist
Eerie: Marshall Teller...a.k.a. child actor Omri Katz, in all that floppy-haired splendor of the pre-gel '90's. Plays the drums in his spare time. Currently the subject of 7 facebook groups, 654 members strong and counting. Starred in "Hocus Pocus."
Erie: Me. Hi. Mostly I make pancakes. Sometimes my hair looks like Omri's, but is less cool because I am not a boy in 1991. I starred in a rap video in high school. I had a band-aid on my face, Nelly-style, and there were choreographed dancers on the skate ramp. It was about being Mormon.
WINNER: Draw. Okay, so I don't have 654 facebook fans. I don't even have 654 facebook friends. But I walked through Sam's Club, and later a cornfield, wearing a bright orange jersey with a boom-box on my shoulder. That has got to count for something.
ROUND THREE: Sidekicks
Eerie: Simon Holmes, a.k.a. Justin Shenkarow. Also the voice of Harold in "Hey Arnold." Studied Business at Stanford. Recently started a film-making company called "Shake That Fro Productions."
Erie: Sister Carolyn, Sister Marlene, Sister Maggie, Sister Sallie, and Sister Roseanne. Five of the sassiest septuagenarians you will ever meet. They could eat Justin Shenkarow for lunch, with a side of vegetable-laden Jell-O. Then they would watch Wheel of Fortune.
WINNER: Benedictine Sisters FTW. Though usually peace-loving ladies (the priory is filled to the brim with non-violent resistance literature), I can see them taking Shenkarow down with a trebuchet, as long as it was made of locally-produced, recyclable materials.
ROUND FOUR: Archenemies
Eerie: a zombie, an evil ATM, an evil milkman, a pack of Machiavellian dogs whose minds his friend Simon can read with the help of a telekinetic retainer, a bureaucrat who lives in the center of the earth and steals people's socks and pen caps, a ghost who turns out to be Tobey Maguire, and members of the "Loyal Order of the Corn"
Erie: Last week I found a spider in my room. It jumped out from my pillowcase. Totally freaky. It was one of those jerking, zig-zagging ones that are really hard to catch. It took like fifteen minutes to get it out of there.
WINNER: Eerie. While being haunted by Tobey Maguire is arguably not the creepiest thing in the world, an evil milkman most certainly is. I shudder to think of America's dairy products in the hands of the wrong people.
ROUND FIVE: Ability to Entertain Pre-Adolescent Children
Eerie: Only aired for one season, but was resurrected in 1997 and in 1998 a Canadian version was made. And it conquered the hearts of many 8-12 year-olds in the process, mine included.
Erie: Based on the tour I gave recently to Conneaut Lake Elementary? Mildly adequate. Running around touching the sculptures and display cases after eating peanut butter sandwiches counts as entertainment, right?
WINNER: Eerie again. Despite my riveting tour-giving skills, I can't take credit for that spontaneous game of tag in the Bronze exhibit.
RESULTS: Eerie: 4, Erie: 2. Who am I kidding? There could only ever be one Eerie. I will just have to call this town something else for awhile. At least until I discover that sweatpants man actually turns into a glittery vampire in sunlight, or that the Conneaut Lake third-graders are the spawn of a humanoid alien pygmies who communicate with the mothership by poking the belly buttons of thousand-year-old Ganesh statues.
...Eerie Indiana is a mysterious and sasquatch-filled jewel, the likes of which R.L. Stine could only dream of. Below is my favorite episode. If, as you go about your day, you find yourself thinking, "wow, I could really go for an early-nineties horror story/love-is-better-than-money allegory right about now" then I invite you to watch this twenty-four-minute wonder and see for yourself why Eerie is both at "the center of weirdness" and the center of my heart.
Eerie, Indiana was an awesome show. I taped a couple episodes (on VHS, my goodness) back in the day, and rewatching them discovered the Tobey Maguire ghost, which blew me away. He's such a kid! So I understand the reticence and fear that anything might take the place of such amazing strangeness.
ReplyDeleteYessssss!
ReplyDeleteI adore this. Haunting. :-)
ReplyDelete